Breath by breath

i choose to exhale.

i wanted to curl up in a corner and die. i have a good friend with a mouth on her. the moment she saw me, she asked if i was sick. she read me very well, and cracked down hard on me. covered wounds fester but open wounds heal, she said. dust yourself and move on. i walked out on her. how am i supposed to move on when my heart is in a million pieces?

i accepted the "honest blogger" award because i have poured out my heart on the pages of this web spot, unfiltered and uncensored. i have blogged without a mask. but now i understand the reason for anonymity and reserve. i would like to take down this blog or something, but i realize the reason i blog is because i like to write. it is my window thrown open for fresh air. it is where i can axe my tree stump. it is where i can stand naked and unashamed. it is my therapy moment. so i will not throw it away. i will open my wound and let in some air. i may blog on auto-pilot for a while, but i will not stop writing.

i shed a few tears tonight, but i refuse to drown in my tears. i also asked God for help so am coming out with my pain. i tried to get busy so i could ignore reality. i even went down the slippery slope of "appearance of evil". and i planned to be bitter and vengeful and unloving.

i cannot just walk away like nothing happened because i loved with all my flaws and flairs. i may still wince every time i hear her name because am still hurting. i may still snap out at somebody and anybody because i am still angry. i may occasionally play back tonight's phone call where i pulled out a white flag and came up short. but i choose to exhale. i choose to inhale. and i will leave my Kirk Franklin's Fight of my Life album on repeat.

i choose to live again. breath by breath.