Deep Cut

For the first time in my life, I hate woman.

“Novia, I am really hurting here. I don't understand what's going on [between us]”.
“Ayo, I am beginning to sound like a broken record. If you don't believe me that there's nothing wrong, then you can make your own conclusions”.

Novia said there was nothing wrong. But the sound of her voice and her attitude said something totally different. Wondering why, what, when, how was literally driving me crazy. Was it something I said? Something I did? Did it have anything to do with me at all? Was it something that happened to her over there? Was it the long distance away from each other? My mind was asking a 1001 questions.

Right from the day we became 3 months, and the day we had been away from each other for one exactly month, her calls stopped, her sms stopped, she stopped replying my sms, she became very formal and curt answering my phone calls, and she stopped calling me “baby”. First, it was the silence. Then the shoulder. No explanations. No accusations. Just a blank page.

I used to tell people that it is better to love and lose, than not to have loved at all. But now, I can't even bear to think that thought. I used to say you cannot truly love until you are truly vulnerable. But now, I loathe that thought. I used to believe in love. Now, I believe in magic – just another illusion.

I don't know when or if I will blog again. My heart is bleeding, and the only reason am not crying yet is because I don't even know what emotion to unleash; Pain? Fear? Confusion? Anger? Resentment? Regret? Revenge? Bitterness? Hate?

My heart bleeds. This time, Novia cut me deep.